Rhonda

I find myself crying again, after so long... I don't think I feel sad, as much as confused.
ok. Write a list of people you live/d with, and people that influenced your life. what did/do want from you?

Susana
Carlos
Dora
Dorita
Feliz
Olga
Enrique

I can add people, the first feeling is that I have no idea what did they want from me. The second feeling is that they never thought that I could do anything. I cannot feel that anyone wanted me to be happy. I think that my mother wanted me to die, actually, to never been born.

I feel so lost. I feel so confused, lonely. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I don't even know what I would if I could change the past, my present, my future.
Fear of embarrasement. Fear of failure. Sense of nothing will never be good enough.
I am scared. I am so scared of trying anything. I am afraid of failure. Am I afraid of success? Am I self-sabotaging?
What is practical, rational, focused, planned. I am tired of overthinking. If I don't think, simply nothing else happens, I can't feel my own feelings, what I love, what I like.
I don't know what has a meaning for me.
I feel lost.