Communication

I've just switched phone numbers and I realized that some people wont be able to communicate with me, unless I give them my new number.
Yes, I know it isn't a genious discovery. I previously gave my father the alternative number, to make sure he wouldn't miss me.
My mother has only my old number. I also asked her not to call me for a while. Now that I think about it, makes me sad.
I think, if I don't call her, and give her my new number, even if she, someday, decides to call me, she wont be able to reach me. Evenmore, she wouldn't undestand what the recording of the phone says, no english at all, so she won't know if its my voicemail, or wrong number or out of service or whatever.
I thought what she would do if something like that happened.... would se have to run the streets, trying to find my father, to ask him my number? would she do it?
I don't know, maybe before this thought would give me some sort of pleasure, but right now, it just makes me want to throw up.

Rhonda says that the fact we don't communicate is holding me back. I don't want any holdings. I know, that my mother wants to know about me. It's normal. Why don't I wanna talk to her? Guilt. It makes me feel guitly, knowing that I am doing better than she is. If I think all the things that she've done to me. It enfuriates me. If I think that she didn't know any better, doesn't quite help. I didn't know any better, I did wrong, and then I did what I should've done in the first place. With everything against me, everyone.

We disagree in so many things, like what not? I also feel that her beliefs are againt mine. I don't know how to have a truly communication, normal.

tired.
nap.
moi